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Dropping the I(ndependent) for the We

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  “You are not giving up your right to vote or to own property if you let me make you a cup of coffee” – Anonymous

A few days ago, my husband and I had a conversation about independence within our marriage. We mutually agreed that we dropped the I(ndependence) for the we(dependence). We like to think that we have coined the term (we)dependent, which has the same definition as the paradoxical term interdependence. Interdependence can be defined as the mutual dependence between things or mutual reliant on each other, such as the relationship between plants and animals. On the other end of the spectrum is being too independent in the relationship or being co-dependent in the relationship.

“All the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me” ecstatically song by Beyonce, Kelly, and Michelle, who are members of Destiny’s Child on the Charlie’s Angels’ soundtrack in the 2000’s. As I reflect back, I can’t even imagine a time when that song played on the radio, and I did not wave my hands in the air and sing along. We live in a world that praises independence. Have you own money, buy your own things, be strong and do not show anyone your weakness is the name of the game. Have we created a culture where we have a hard time adjusting to finding a medium between independence and dependence? Have we become too independent? Training yourself to be extremely independent can be a disservice because when placed in situations where dependence is required, such as a relationship, we will have no idea how to navigate in these foreign waters according to Erica Djossa in her article on The Interdependent Relationship (2012).

On the other end of the spectrum is dependence. Dependence is the core component in building a secure and lasting relationship, yet we cringe at the thought of being dependent in a relationship. A healthy level of dependency allows us to depend on another person for support. Ideally, we are able to trust other people enough to open up and feel vulnerable yet remain self-confident enough to survive conflict and rejection. In intimate relationships, healthy dependency allows us to blend closeness, passion, and commitment. When this occurs, we experience a sustaining intimacy that doesn’t threaten our sense of self. Within a healthy level of dependence, we also know that asking for help doesn’t mean we’re helpless. We are aware that it can be an empowering opportunity to grow and learn and become stronger.

An unhealthy level of dependence is label as, Codependent. Codependence is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, you lose yourself in another person, not knowing where you end, and they begin. This type of relationship can cause problems because you start to look at the other person to complete you. Understanding your worth as an individual rather than depending on your partner would be ideal and healthy in the relationship. Darlene Lancer, LMFT described Codependent couples as out of balance and often struggle for power and control. The codependent couple displays an imbalance of power, possibly where one partner may have taken on responsibility for the other. They are often anxious, resentful, guilty and responsible for their partner’s feelings and moods. People who are involved in a co-dependent relationship try to control each another to feel okay and get their needs met rather than respect for each other’s separateness and individuality. The partners in these type of relationships often can’t tolerate disagreement and blame one another for causing their problems without taking responsibility for themselves.

We can see that being on one extreme or the other is not going to work best. Try to visualize a scale with dependence with one side of extreme independence and co-dependence on the other end. Ideally, we want to move away from the other edges towards the middle to create interdependence. Check these five quick ways to develop and maintain balance in your relationship.

1) Work on improving yourself
2) Maintaining an individual identity
3) Compromise
4) Established Boundaries
5) Use of Effective Communication

The goal is to create balance in your relationship.

By Shayla Peterson, LCSW

Unplug & Get Connected: The Power of Self Care

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  “You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” 

All too often we neglect our own self-care. We often use the phrase such as “we have to take care of others, and then I will take care of me.” We carry around the belief that self-care is selfish. When in fact, we require TLC (Tender, Love & Care). When we do not take adequate care of our physical, mental or emotional health, we started to feel depleted, drained or frazzled. For some reason, participating in self-care is considered a luxury due to increasing workloads, school and family obligations.   In reality, self-care is an investment we cannot live without. The goal is to create a balance between selfishness and sacrifice. There are three (3) components to identifying self-care are a) Physical, b) mental/emotional and c) spiritual. The physical involves moving our bodies; the mental/emotional requires us to accept and forgive ourselves, and the spiritual allows us to practice exercising our mind and soul. Have you participated any of the three components of self-care?

Here’s a list of 30 self-care activities that you can participate in today. Over the next 30 days, I challenge you to participate in all 30 or jump around to the activities that you like the most or develop your own ideas.   Compare how you felt before with how you feel after.

(1) Eat a fruit or vegetable

(2) Get between 6 – 8 hours of sleep per night

(3) Ride a bike

(4) Call a friend or meet for lunch

(5) Try a new activity

(6) Read a Chapter from a book

(7) Get a massage

(8) Listen to music

(9) Stare up at the sky

(10) Take action on something you have been avoiding

(11) Take a lunch break

(12) Plant a flower

(13) Write in a journal

(14) Volunteer

(15) Laugh when you can

(16) Read poetry or inspiring quotes

(17) List five things you are grateful for

(18) Get a manicure or pedicure

(19) Pray

(20) Meditate

(21) Spend time away from your cell phone

(22) Eat a piece of Chocolate

(23) Stretching

(24) Dance

(25) Go for a walk

(26) Take hot shower or bath

(27) Pay attention to your breathing

(28) Snuggle under a cozy blanket

(29) Cuddle with a pet

(30) Become a tourist in your own city

 

By Shayla Peterson, LCSW

References:

Eight plus self-care ideas by Barbara Markaway, PhD at www.theselfcompassionproject.com ( June 2013)

Seven Types of Self-Care Activities for Coping with Stress by Barbara Markaway, PhD and Greg Markaway, PhD on Psychology Today (March 2014)

Top 10 Self-care strategies by Laura Schenck, MA on Mindfulness Muse (May 2011)

 

Improve your Relationships, Improve your Mood

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We all need people and having positive relationships in your life will help improve your mood. I can name at least four go to friends that can help boost my mood when I feel down. It’s important to maintain a balance in the relationship which means the relationship is meeting your needs as well as the needs of the other person. Therefore, when my friends need me, I am there for them as well. However on the flipside, unhealthy relationship exist, and if we want to live a healthier life, we may want to consider ending them. I’m sure we can all think of a relationship in 2015 with a friend or family member that has caused us pain or produced negativity. You may want to consider ending those relationships in 2016. Check out these seven tips on improving your relationships for experiencing a healthier new year.

Connection. Remember that one primary goal most of us have in life is to have other people care about us; needing other people in our life is a part of what makes us human.

Communication. We all have different communication styles from somewhere, so try not to judge yourself as aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive person. Accept it and work on making some healthy changes in the way you interact with others.

Maintenance. While it’s important to work out the big problems in your relationship when they arise, it’s, even more, important to take good care of your relationship on an ongoing basis to prevent the relationship from ending.

Mindfulness. Being mindful when communicating with others will benefit your relationship. People notice when you are present and actively engaged in your interaction with them.

Self-care. Work towards having balance in your relationship so that sometimes you’re putting your needs first. This is not selfish, it self-care and it will benefit the relationship.

Positivity. The relationship we have in our lives influences how we feel, so it is important to work towards having positive, healthy people around us on a regular basis.

Girl bye (also referred to as Goodbye). Not all relationships are salvageable. Take an inventory of the relationships you have in your life and think about how healthy they are. If you find yourself talking about this person when they are not around, you dread spending time with them and it’s hard to set boundaries with them; it may be time to end that unhealthy relationship. Acknowledge that your attempts at making the relationship more positive are unsuccessful.

As you take inventory of these 8 simple steps towards improving your relationships with others, observe what deficits that are neglect your friendship(s).  Make an effort to reach out to a dear friend this week to say, “HELLO.”  I’m sure reaching out them will bring a smile to their face and a smile to yours as you two shoot the breeze.  Do not underestimate the power of social contact with others and its effect on your over mental health.

Reference:

Van Dijk, S. (2012) Calming the Emotional Storm: using dialectical behavioral therapy skills to manage your emotions and balance in life p155-167

Morin, Amy (posted October 15, 2015) 9 Signs it’s time to get a toxic person out of your life

Shayla Peterson, LCSW