How to guide to help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

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img_3128This week has been decided to bringing awareness to Domestic Violence.  We have addressed Statistics, Warning Signs and Reasons why victims stay.  Now, these are the 5 thing that you can do help a friend who is in a abusive relationship.

1. Listen. Let them talk. Believe what you hear. When you are abused, your abuser tells you that you are overreacting and it is your fault. So it is hard to assess how bad the abuse is. You believing them will help them get a more robust sense of self. It will build their confidence and help them make important decisions.

2. Talk to them. Negative voices are loudly repeating in their heads. They need kindness and compassion. Be patient. Tell them it is not their fault, that they are worthy and loved by you over and over.

3. Help them plan. It is not easy to “just leave.” Leaving can be extremely dangerous. It may take months or a year to plan. Be patient, think a long time over every idea and possible consequence to find the safest answer. As dangerous it is to live with an abuser, it is often more dangerous to leave.

4. Build a community. Leaving an abusive relationship is very complicated. It is not something to take on without support. Self-doubt is huge and can be immobilizing. Community support is essential. Surround them with people who love them and see them.

5. Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 to find resources near your the person who is need of services.

 

 

Ten Reasons Victims Struggle to Leave

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In efforts to continue to bring awareness to Domestic Violence in the United States during Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), Balancing the Circus will share an explanation to why victims of domestic violence struggle leaving.  I hope this allow others to reduce the stigma, increase awareness and direct others to support.  After reading the ten reason, come back tomorrow to learn how to be of help if you know someone who may be a victim of domestic violence.

  1. Fear in General. Often they have been cut off from  all their resources and have lived under threat and control, not being able to rely on their own decision making.
  2. Low self-esteem. People who have been emotionally beaten down over a period of begin to see themselves as failures at everything they do.  Offenders reinforce they belief to maintain their control.
  3. Self-blame.  Victimized people blame themselves for the abuse.  This is constantly reinforced by the offender who blames them for the abuser’s violence behavior.
  4. Holding the family together.  Women are raised and socialized to see themselves as the center of family cohesiveness, such as keeping their family safe and together.
  5. Fear of being crazy.  When you are told you are crazy often enough you begin to believe it. As a result, victims questions their ability to cope with all os the responsibilities of the outside world.
  6. Dependence. Victims of Domestic Violence have likely had their world made very small so that they could be controlled.  As a result, they lack experience in making their own decision and acting independently.
  7. Isolation. One of the most common things done to victims of domestic violence is to isolate them from family friends, physically and emotionally.  The more isolated they are, the less likely they will seek help or be aware of the help that is available in their community.
  8. Traditional Values. Traditional roles are in conflict with separation and divorce and support the notice of keeping the family together at all cost. There may also be a strong religious influence and unsupportive family members that reinforce a victim’s belief that she must stay in abusive relationship.
  9. Learned Behaviors. When you live in an isolated and abusive environment, over time the experience take on a normalcy because there is nothing else to compare it to.  When combined with lack of belief in oneself, the victim may come to the belief that the situation is impossible to change.  This may be further embedded if the victim grew up in an abusive home.
  10. The honeymoon stage and promise of change. Victims often love their partners and want a good marriage and a stable family life for their children.  With the promise of change is the hope that all of these things are possible.  In the hopes that the promise of change will be kept, the victim will forgive and give the relationship about change for a new beginning.

What can be done? Deal with the what is, not the what if.  If things were going to change on their own, they would have.  If there is to be any chance of hope for change, for the victim and the victim’s family, it is necessary to take action.  Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Check out previous blogs for Domestic Violence Awareness Month on Statistic and Warning Signs.  Please bring awareness and share this information with others.

REMEMBER that you are not alone, you are not to blame and help is available.

Sources: http://www.ncadv.org and Therapist Guide to Clinical Intervention by Sharon L. Johnson

#domesticviolence #DVAM2016 #DVAM #takeastandagainstdomesticviolence

Spot the Signs, Recognize the Warnings, Be Aware

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  These are Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:

•Extreme jealousy

•Possessiveness

•Unpredictability

•A bad temper

•Extreme jealousy

•Possessiveness

•Unpredictability

•A bad temper

•Cruelty to animals

•Verbal abuse

•Extremely controlling behavior

•Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships

•Forced sex or disregard of their partner’s unwillingness to have sex

•Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods

•Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens

•Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s ability to work or attend school

•Controls all the finances

•Abuse of other family members, children or pets

•Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair

•Control of what the victim wears and how they act

•Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly

•Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others

•Harassment of the victim at work

Be informed and check out Statistics in Domestic Violence

SOURCE: http://www.ncadv.org

For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) 

#domesticviolence #dvam #dvam2016 #takeastandagainstdomesticviolence #warningsigns

 

AWARENESS: Statistics in Domestic Violence 

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

• In America, one women is fatally shot by a spouse, ex-spouse or dating partner every 14 hours.  Learn how to spot the signs and recognize the warning of an abuser.

• 474 Domestic Violence gun related fatalities since January 1, 2016

•1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 are victims of DV in their lifetime

• The presence of a gun increases the risk of homicide in domestic violence situations by 500% • Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crimes

• Domestic Violence crosses all races and class line at similar rates

• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence

• Long Term effects, especially chronic exposure to DV may include physical health and emotional difficulties in adulthood (such as depression, anxiety disorders and PTSD)

sources: http://www.ncadv.org/learn-more/statistics http://www.ncadv.org/content/children-and-domestic-violence 

The National Domestic Violence HOTLINE : 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 

#takeastandagainstdomesticviolence #dvam2016 #dvam

 

Wind Down Wednesday : Recognizing 5 Stress Signals

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Our body can signal us when we are stressed.  Are you able to recognize them?  Learn how to recognize the top 5 stress signals and what you can do to work towards relieving your stress. 

1) Insomnia– If you go to bed thinking or worrying, the physiological response is adrenaline, which is activating and interferes with getting sleep or achieving restful sleep.  

How to wind down. Create a routine for winding down and putting your mind to rest.  Before bed, swim, walk, mediate, drink warm milk or herbal tea (no caffeine), take a hot bath or choose to think of peaceful, pleasant thoughts. 

2) Headaches and sore muscle – When your body is in high gear, you are continuously on alert to respond and body tension accumulates.  If tension is chronic, the results can be muscle soreness and rigidity.  A tight neck, upper back and shoulders can lead to an headache.  

How to wind down. Stretching and light exercise every couple of hours throughout the day may help relieve the symptoms. 

3) Stomach problems – When you are stressed, acid is secreted in the stomach, which can cause heartburn, stomach cramps or other digestive problems.  Over the counter antacid may alleviate the symptoms, but don’t ignore the real culprit of irritation : stress, caffeine, smoking, alcohol, poor nutrition, inadequate sleep and relaxation or spicy food. 

How to wind down.  Use physical activity, deep breathing and self-soothing activities to calm your digestive track.  Be sure not to ignore these symptoms and consult with your PCM. 

4) Addictive Behaviors – Efforts to escape chronic stress by drinking too much, increase smoking, overeating, overspending, gambling or other negative patterns that lead to increased stress.

How to wind down. Find helpful and healthful ways to deal with stress.  Seek a local qualified professionals therapist in your area. 

5) Low Sex Drive – While this can be a signal of stress of fatigue, a variety of other issues need to be explore with your PCM such as high blood pressure, decreased testosterone, excessive salt consumption, excessive alcohol use, certain drugs and disease that may cause hieghten blood pressure in some people.  

While there is no way to prevent stress, we can control how we respond and handle it.  Try not to let stress build up, deal with stress when it strikes, think positively, visualize yourself solving your stressors, set limits and time frame to when you will manage your stressor and lastly, be honest about what you have control over and what you do.  Take this Wednesday to wind down and move towards recognizing your stressors, physical stressors and make moves to manage the stress.   

Winding Down, 

Shayla Peterson, LCSW
Source : Therapist’s guide to clinical intervention : 1-2-3’s of treatment planning (2nd edition) by Sharon L. Johnson

Feel your Feelings Friday 

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Get unstuffed and stop sticking.  Let’s take Friday to address our feelings and being mindful of our emotions. The goals is to notice and experience our emotions and allow them to come and go naturally. That means sometimes experiencing painful emotions without turning the pain into suffering. Emotional Suffering can be created by stuffing or sticking to our emotions, and that’s out of BALANCE.  

When Stuffing our emotions, we bottle up l, ignore and reject your emotions. Emotional Stuffers try to push their emotions away. Just because we stuff or ignore our emotions does make them go away. It causes emotional build up, leading to feeling overwhelm and possible breakdown.  

On the opposite end of the spectrum, is Sticking. When we stick to our feelings, we hold on to emotions and try to keep them around. When we emotional stick, we replay stressful situations and experience the emotions over and over again. Sticking prevent are emotions to natural come and go and never provide them with the opportunity to fade. Thus leading emotions to Stick around longer than hey natural would.  

Create Balance by actually feeling your Feelings. Feeling your feelings serves as a middle group between stuffing and sticking. Trying noticing your feelings without holding on to them. Observe and describe your emotions, your sensations, thoughts and urges. Take note of how intensity comes and go. When a new emotions is ready to come in, let the emotion go and notice the new feeling.  

I hope that you find Feel your Feelings Friday helpful and beneficial to creating a balance to kick off your weekend.  Send me note let me know how “Feeling Friday” balanced you. 

Unstuffed and Not sticking, 

Shayla Peterson, LCSW



Source: DBT skills training by Jean Eich, Psy, LP

8 minutes to Serenity, Courage & Wisdom in 8 Steps

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You can reduce feelings of anxiety by using serenity, courage and wisdom.  This quick blog will allow you to step back and evaulate your situation, determine he difference between the things you can and cannot change, and then act on your knowledge.  

Step 1) Describe a situation that you have been feeling anxious about in your own life lately. 

Step 2) Think about the situation careful and realistically, then list the things that you can actually change about the situation. 

Step 3) List the things that you really cannot change.  

Step 4) How will it affect your life if you accept the things you cannot change.  

Step 5) Are you able to feel serene about? Ask yourself, why or why not.

Step 6) Do you have the courage to change the things you can change? Tell why or why not. 

Step 7) What might help you feel more courageous? 

Step 8) WRITE and READ aloud : “I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

Balanced in Serenity, Courage & Wisdom,

Shayla Peterson, LCSW 
Source : The anxiety workbook by Lisa M. Schab, LCSW (2008)

Depression and Anxiety 

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Major depression is the psychiatric diagnosis most commonly associated with suicide. Lifetime risk of suicide among patients with untreated depressive disorder is nearly 20% (Gotlib & Hammen, 2002)

•2/3 of people who complete suicide are depressed at the times of their deaths

•7 out of every 100 men and 1 out of every 100 women who have been diagnosed with depression in their lifetime will go on to complete suicide.

•People who have had a dependence on alcohol or drugs in addition to being depressed are at greater risk for suicide 

•Individuals who have multiple episode of depression are at greater risk for suicide than those who have had one episode

Source: http://www.suicideology.org #nspw16 #spsm #suicide #suicideprevention #wspd #depression #anxiety #substanceabuse

Becoming Fluent in I-messages 

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 Do you find yourself using you-messages when communicating with your partner and find yourself feeling frustration and disappointed with the outcome? When trying to effectively communication we often lack the skills to clearly get our feelings across. The use of You-messages focuses on what other person have done in a way that makes that feel as though they are being attacked. When we point fingers and make accusations, the person we are communicating with will mostly stop listening. And who could blame them? In return, they are focusing on what they are going to say in response to your attack. It is my hope that after reading this blog, you are able to transform your you-messages to I-messages so that you can become fluent in I-messages, not imessage (which is a texting app for iPhone user). 
I-messages tell what you feel, what the person has done to make you feel that way and why you feel the way that you do. By using I-messages versus you-statements, you can decrease tension and conflict. When there’s less tension and conflict, it makes it easier for you and the other person to create a solution. Let explore some an example of how to practice this communication skill.

Example: You partner comes home 2 ½ hours late.

You-message: You are always late and inconsiderate

I-message: I’m worried when you are not home at your regular time because it makes think something happened to you.
It’s easier to listen to and respond to I-messages versus you-message. Practice using this I-message when communicating with someone that you care about and notice how they respond to you. Just in case you forgot how to use the technique here is the template. 
I feel…when you…because….

Additional I-messages sentence starter:
I want …
I would appreciate…
I think….
I expect….
I wish…
I understood you to say….
I thought you said…
It was understanding that…